A friend of mine posted this the other day and normally I don't read stuff like this, but it caught my attention since our anniversary is next week. It's worth reading.
1. DON’T STOP HOLDING HER HAND
When I first dated the woman I ended up marrying, I always held her
hand. In the car. While walking. At meals. At movies. It didn’t matter
where. Over time, I stopped. I made up excuses like my hand was too hot
or it made me sweat or I wasn’t comfortable with it in public. Truth
was, I stopped holding hands because I stopped wanting to put in the
effort to be close to my wife. No other reason.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d hold her hand in the car. I’d hold her hand on a star. I’d hold her
hand in a box. I’d hold her hand with a fox. And I’d hold her hand
everywhere else, too, even when we didn’t particularly like each other
for the moment.
BONUS!
When you hold hands in the winter, they don’t get cold. True story.
2. DON’T STOP TRYING TO BE ATTRACTIVE.
Obviously when I was working to woo her, I would do myself up as
attractively as I possibly could every time I saw her. I kept perfectly
groomed. I always smelled good. I held in my farts until she wasn’t
around. For some reason, marriage made me feel like I could stop doing
all that. I would get all properly groomed, smelling good, and dressed
up any time we went out somewhere or I went out by myself, but I rarely,
if ever, cared about making myself attractive just for her.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d try and put my best foot forward throughout our entire marriage. I’d
wait to fart until I was in the bathroom whenever possible. I’d make
myself desirable so that she would desire me.
BONUS!
When you trim your man hair, guess what. She returns the favor.
3. DON’T TELL YOUR SPOUSE HER WEAKNESSES.
For some reason, somewhere along the way, I always ended up feeling like
it was my place to tell her where she was weak and where she could do
better. I sure as heck didn’t do that while we were dating. No, when I
dated her I only built her up, only told her how amazing she was, and
easily looked past all of her flaws. After we got married though, she
sometimes couldn’t even cook eggs without me telling her how she might
be able to improve.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I wouldn’t say a damned thing about anything that I thought could use
improvement. I’ve learned since my marriage ended that there is more
than one right way to do most things, and that the imperfections of
others are too beautiful to try and change.
BONUS!
When you tell her what she’s doing right, she’ll tell you what you’re
doing right. And she’ll also tell her friends. And her family. And the
dentist. And even strangers on the street.
4. DON’T STOP COOKING FOR YOUR SPOUSE.
I knew how to woo a girl, for sure. And the ticket was usually a night
in, cooking a nice meal and having a romantic evening. So why is it
then, that I didn’t do that for her after we got married? Sure, I’d
throw some canned soup in the microwave or fry up some chimichangas once
in a while, but I rarely if ever went out of my way to sweep her off
her feet after we were married by steaming crab legs, or making fancy
pasta, or setting up a candlelit table.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d make it a priority to cook for her, and only her, something awesome
at least every month. And I’d remember that meat in a can is never
awesome.
BONUS!
Candlelit dinners often lead to candlelit bow chica bow-wow.
5. DON’T YELL AT YOUR SPOUSE.
I’m not talking about the angry kind of yelling. I’m talking about the
lazy kind of yelling. The kind of yelling you do when you don’t want to
get up from your television show or you don’t want to go ALL THE WAY
UPSTAIRS to ask her if she’s seen your keys. It really doesn’t take that
much effort to go find her, and yelling (by nature) sounds demanding
and authoritative.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d try to go find her anytime I needed something or wanted to know
something, and I’d have both gratitude and manners when I did. I always
hated when she would yell to me, so why did I always feel it was okay to
yell to her?
BONUS!
Sometimes you catch her doing something cute that you would have missed otherwise.
6. DON’T CALL NAMES.
I always felt I was the king of not calling names, but I wasn’t. I may
not have called her stupid, or idiot, or any of the other names she’d
sometimes call me, but I would tell her she was stubborn, or that she
was impossible, or that she was so hard to deal with. Names are names,
and calling them will drive bigger wedges in communication than just
about anything else.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
Any time it got to the point that I wanted to call names, I’d call a
time-out and come back to it later. Or better yet, I’d call her names,
but they’d be names like “super sexy” or “hotness.” Even in the heat of
the moment.
BONUS!
She’ll call you names in better places. Like the bedroom.
7. DON’T BE STINGY WITH YOUR MONEY.
As the main bread earner, I was always so stingy with the money. I’d
whine about the cost of her shampoo or that she didn’t order water at
restaurants, or that she’d spend so much money on things like pedicures
or hair dye jobs. But seriously. I always had just as many if not more
things that I spent my money on, and in the end, the money was spent, we
were just fine, and the only thing my bitching and moaning did was
bring undo stress to our relationship.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d tell her I trusted her to buy whatever she wanted, whenever she felt
like she needed it. And then, I’d actually trust her to do it.
BONUS!
Sometimes she will make bad purchase decisions, which leads to makeup
purchase decisions. Like that new gadget you’ve had your eyes on.
8. DON’T ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
There was never any argument that was so important or pressing that we
couldn’t wait to have it until the kids weren’t there. I don’t think it
takes a rocket scientist or super-shrink to know why fighting in front
of the kids is a dangerous and selfish way of doing things.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I would never, ever, not even once fight in front of the kids, no matter
how big or how small the issue was. I’d maybe make a code word that
meant, “not with the kids here.”
BONUS!
When you wait to fight, usually you both realize how stupid or unimportant the fight was and the fight never happens.
9. DON’T ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER TO SKIP WORKING OUT.
I always thought it was love to tell my spouse, “I don’t care if you
don’t take care of yourself. I don’t care if you don’t exercise. I don’t
care if you let yourself go.” But that was lying, and it was lying when
she said it to me because the truth is, we did care and I wish that we
would have always told each other how sexy and attractive the other was
any time we’d go workout or do something to become healthier.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d ask her to tell me that she cared. I’d ask her to encourage me to go
to the gym. I’d ask her to remind me of my goals and tell me I’m strong
enough to keep them.
BONUS!
Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. And happy people don’t kill other people. (Name that movie!)
10. DON’T POOP WITH THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN.
I don’t know why, but at some point I started thinking it was okay to
poop with the bathroom door open, and so did she. First of all, it’s
gross. Second of all, it stinks everything up. Third of all, there is
literally no way to make pooping attractive, which means that every time
she saw me do it, she, at least in some little way, would have thought I
was less attractive.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d shut the damn door and poop in private.
BONUS!
When she does think of your naked body, she’s not going to be thinking about it in a grunting/squatting position.
11. DON’T STOP KISSING HER.
It always got to a point when I’d more or less stop kissing her. Usually
it was because things were stressful and there was tension in our
relationship, and so I’d make it worse by refusing to kiss her. This of
course would lead to her feeling rejected. Which would of course lead to
arguments about it. Other times I had my own issues with germs and
whatnot.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d kiss her in the morning when she looked like people do in the
morning. I’d kiss her at night when she’s had a long day. I’d kiss her
any time I felt like she secretly wanted a kiss. And, I’d kiss her even
when my germ issues kicked in.
BONUS!
She feels loved when you kiss her. That’s bonus enough.
12. DON’T STOP HAVING FUN TOGETHER.
Age shouldn’t matter. Physical ability shouldn’t matter. Couples should
never stop having fun with each other, and I really wish I wouldn’t have
gotten into so many ruts in which we didn’t really go out and do
anything. And, I’ve been around the block enough times to know that when
the fun is missing, and the social part of life is missing, so also
goes missing the ability to be fully content with each other.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d make a rule with her that we’d never stay home two weekends in a row.
BONUS!
Awesome stories and awesome memories come from doing awesome things. And so do cherished embarrassing moments.
13. DON’T PRESSURE EACH OTHER.
Pressuring each other about anything is always a recipe for resentment. I
always felt so pressured to make more money. I always felt so pressured
to not slip in my religion. I always felt so pressured to feel certain
ways about things when I felt the opposite. And I usually carried a lot
of resentment. Looking back, I can think of just as many times that I
pressured her, so I know it was a two-way street.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d make it a point to celebrate the different views, opinions, and ways
that she had of doing things. I’d find the beauty in differentiation,
not the threat.
BONUS!
Authentic happiness becomes a real possibility. And so do authentic foot rubs.
14. DON’T LABEL EACH OTHER WITH NEGATIVE LABELS.
Sometimes the easiest phrases to say in my marriage started with one of
three things. Either, “you should have,” “you aren’t,” or “you didn’t.”
Inevitably after each of those seemed to come something negative. And
since when have negative labels ever helped anyone? They certainly never
helped her. Or me. Instead, they seemed to make the action that sparked
the label worsen in big ways.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I would learn to stop myself before saying any of those phrases, and
then I’d switch them out for positive labels. Instead of “you should,”
I’d say “you are great at.” Instead of saying “you aren’t,” I’d say “you
are.” Instead of saying “you didn’t,” I’d say, “you did.” And then I’d
follow it up with something positive.
BONUS!
The noblest struggles become far more conquerable. And you don’t think or believe that you’re a schmuck, which is always nice.
15. DON’T SKIP OUT ON THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO HER.
It was so easy in marriage to veto so many of the things she enjoyed
doing. My reasoning, “we can find things we both enjoy.” That’s lame.
There will always be things she enjoys that I will never enjoy, and
that’s no reason not to support her in them. Sometimes the only thing
she needs is to know that I’m there.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d attend many more of the events that she invited me to. I would
actively participate and not tell all the reasons why I’d do it
differently or how it could be better or more fun or time better spent.
BONUS!
Go to something she knows you don’t enjoy and the gratitude gets piled on later that night, like whipped cream on a cheesecake.
16. DON’T EMOTIONALLY DISTANCE YOURSELF AFTER A FIGHT.
I never got to experience the power of make-up sex because any time my
wife was mean or we got in a fight, I’d completely distance myself from
her, usually for several days. Communication would shut down and I’d
avoid contact at all cost. This never let things get worked out, and
eventually after it had happened enough times I’d explode unnecessarily.
IF I COULD HAVE A DO-OVER:
I’d let myself communicate my emotions and feelings more often, and I’d
make sure that she knew I still loved her any time we had an ugly bout.
Sure, we’d give each other some distance. But not days of distance.
BONUS!
Fantastic make-up sex. Or at least that’s the theory.
